It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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