I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She's the barista slut.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
