You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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