Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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