you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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