I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
