i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
