Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
