So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
