um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
