I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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