I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
