Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize