I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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