i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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