I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize