Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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