I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
