It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So squirting runs in the family.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
