One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
