i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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