Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
