i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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