well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
No subtext here. People are naked.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
