last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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