I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
