I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
