It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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