great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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