problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
