he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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