I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
