I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
