I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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