my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Randomize
