He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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