I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
