I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
