You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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