a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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