Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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