her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
