So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
