If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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