I will die if light touches me.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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