Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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