Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
