You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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