Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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