I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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