i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
