Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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