I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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