I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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