i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
