She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
